liberation...

It's a story I've wanted to tell for a long, long time. It's one I've held back, struggled with, and kept stuffed away. And I feel it's unfair, that this thing - this burden, this weight, this heavy gauze - has been impacting me for so long, and I haven't felt the comfort or safety to share it in an honest way. I feel it's unfair because I haven't been completely real, and to me authenticity is a vital part of our individuality that's necessary to share with others.

Two years ago I moved to Kansas City. I know I was called there. I knew right away. Even though the decision didn't make much sense, I just knew. My heart was at peace. I moved for my job. I moved for a promotion. And I moved for a challenge - personally and professionally. I had no idea exactly what that challenge would look like, but it didn't take long to find out. My job stretched and tested me in ways I could have never imagined. To sum it up without a lot of, 'this is what I do for a living' jibberish, let's just say the film Up in the Air hit waaay too close to home. And it was a beautiful wake-up call to the change that was kicking, screaming, and begging to be known.

I'm thankful for the opportunities I've had with a company that's a passion-brand, trendsetter, and industry leader. I'm incredibly appreciative of the people who make the whole thing go 'round. I've met so many wonderful people there, and I'm absolutely most thankful for them. So many passionate people working insanely hard for a company that demands excellence. I'm proud to have been a part of that. It was an adventure in and of itself.

That being said, it's also a relief to finally walk away. I want to apologize to everyone. I want to shout out from the mountaintops, "I'M SOOOORRY" to all my friends, family, co-workers and even acquaintances I haven't had the chance to turn into friends - I haven't been myself for the last two years. For those who have met me within that time frame, you haven't met all of me. There's a lot more here, and it's been trapped in a heavy, thick gauze that kept parts of me hidden and foggy and tired. So, so tired. And finally I'm walking away.

I.

Feel.

So.

Free.

As if with every step another layer of gauze loosens, the plaster cracks, my eyes shine. I feel like my smile is bigger. Like it truly stretches further than it has in a long, long time.

I.

Just feel.

So free.

So to all of you - any of you who have encountered me, opened up to me, befriended me in the last couple of years - thank you for accepting me in my bruised puppy-dog state of mind. Thank you to my roommates who have tolerated very frequent travel absences, to my close friends for enduring ongoing mental processing (over and over again), and most graciously, thank you Mom and Dad - your support always means the most and having it has been crazy-valuable during these turbulent times. Thank you for believing in me and encouraging me through my darkest nights.

I can't wait to show you all more layers. Watch out world - I don't even know what's next.

it was an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeney...

Crap-o. I was so proud of myself today after work. I've been putting off quite a few errands, and today, instead of going to the gym which-I-haven't-gone-to-in-forever-anyway I decided to take care of business. After stuffing my purse with a to-do notebook, now overdue library book, and a bank envelope, I headed to the shoe repair store to get a pair of heels fixed and holes punched into a belt. Then went to my favorite alterations lady to have her work on four items that needed some love. As soon as I walked in she said, "ah, another wedding?" Sheesh - she remembers me and my dresses...? Impressive. Yes, I respond - I need to get the bodice taken in; it's gaping open at the top. She shoos me into the fabric covered changing room, and I pull on the dress. Then I try to zip it. And it doesn't zip so easily. What the...? Three months ago this was falling off my body.

Oh. Not-going-to-the-gym-in-forever-anyway causes things to not fit like they used to. Awesome. So I embarrassingly walk out of the dressing room and let her know, that although I once needed the bodice altered, now I only need the straps shortened. Double awesome with a strong dose of humility.

That was all the motivation I needed to reel it in a bit with what's lovingly entering my mouth. And also to finally make plans to go to the gym - even though every fiber of my being screams to stay far, far away.

Bah.

Humbug.

sitting in a tree...

I see London.

Ahem.

I see France.

Who knew this blog would even cover underpants?

Bridget and I met on during a 4-H trip from Kansas to Washington DC. At first, I thought she was a stuck up and didn't want to talk to me (hey, she later admitted thinking the same of me). But after spending a few days as roommates in our DC accommodations, we became fast friends. I'm quite confident our fate as best friends was sealed when we realized our high school crushes were both named Brady (haha Bridge - oh the stories we could tell!). And unlike typical camp friendships, we thankfully stayed in touch throughout the next school year, and ended up going to the same college thereafter. Nine years later (um, wow!) we live in the same city and still make time for girl talk, life talk, job talk - whatever. She's pretty much my job mentor. And although neither of the Bradys worked out for a permanent gig, Bridget did find someone far surpassing all the qualities poor high school Brady could ever offer (no offense to him, of course), and will soon be getting married to a man who complements her beautifully.

So we must celebrate. A party is in order. Bridge's singleness must go out with a bang. And dorky me couldn't wait to make invitations. Something not too cheeky, tacky, pink, glittery or rhyming (bleh). Something that gets the point across - we're going to have a fabulous time together being classy, sophisticated, and tasteful. Did I say tasteful? Classy? Oops, I meant helloooooo lingerie shower. Nothing says it better than a bejeweled pair of black unmentionables on the front on the invite. Holler.


Bridget's first visit of many while I lived in Denver. Oh what fun we had at the corporate Christmas parties.

the ocean blue...

About to embark on an adventure of epic proportions. Well, epic for me anyway. Headed to Californ-i-a tomorrow. Dad's coming with me. He just decided yesterday, but I'm superdeduper glad he did. Really, really glad. He's a wonderful traveling companion. Coffee and newspaper in the morning. Nap in the afternoon. Explore. Then kick it in the evening. My kind of vacation.

There's more to tell, but for now - packing. Did I say pack? I meant panic. Panic! So much to do, so little time. Must get going.

The photograph is a tribute to our 2008 trip to California when Mom, Dad, Aunt Vicky and I experienced one of the greatest vacations of all time. The picture makes me want to melt away to la-la dreamland - probably one of my favorite clicks, for whatever reason. Just, dreamy.

if we took a holliday...

Back from St. Louis. Voicemails are cleared out. Highlighted emails have been selected and viewed briefly. Most texts have yet to be answered (though nothing unusual there, as some friends might attest...). I feel like I've been gone for weeks - and could sleep for the same.

Although the two-days were busy with work stuff, Tuesday evening, thanks to some great, "I know a guy" situations, our team enjoyed almost six hours of everything Cardinals. On the field for batting practice, special beverage drinking room, wearing a World Series champ ring, and eating enough ballpark food to make us all feel a little sick. Or was that due to the Astros kicking the Cards hineys in the last three innings? Ahem, that definitely didn't help. It was a beautiful night though, especially since we were all anticipating downpours throughout the day. Not a cloud in sight until a dark ominous poof rolled in at dusk. It passed by without a drizzle or drop.

Nothing screams summer like baseball and cold beer. I'll take more please.

forget it...

Nevermind my last post. I'm not getting any better at avoiding my space cadet ways. Left my cell phone in the car at the airport parking lot. Doh! Now I'm in St. Louis and my phone is in KC. This has been a pain in the hiney.

(And actually - secretly - it's been wonderful. I missed being able to talk with Mom in the morning, and there are a few friends I wanted to call tonight, but besides those important people, not having a phone today made me a better person. I wasn't able to chronically check emails - it's a sickness to which I've found no cure, I didn't have to glance at it every five seconds to see if anyone had called or text, and I didn't even have the ability to keep track of time, because my phone is my wristwatch. So pretty much, I just enjoyed life today, free of the neck cramping device that I loathe yet barely live without. It was such a relief to enjoy the Cardinals game - minus them losing - without wondering every other moment if an email had arrived or how many voicemail messages I'd need to return tomorrow morning. In reality I really do love me some simple life. But seriously, keep this on the downlow. I'm trying to act like this no phone thing is miserable, but maybe it really isn't so bad afterall.)

sodium intake...

I often find myself doing really dumb things. Asking obvious questions, totally spacing important tasks, or just doing things an awkward way. I don't think of myself as ditzy or spacey though. Maybe I'm in denial. I guess I'd have to take a poll of close family and friends to be sure. Wednesday night for example. Friends in from Denvervisiting and I'm pumped. I was going to meet them at my house, prepare dinner, then hit the road to make an early morning work event in Wichita. The wonderful Renee, my roommate and other house chef, finally got me over my fear of gas grills (seriously, I still have dreams about the gas igniting and my hair combusting into flames when lighting the thing) so I've been very into grilling lately. Plus, it just tastes waaaay better than most cooking methods. I've also been into using buffalo for burgers. Not much of a red meat eater anyway, buffalo has the great perks of being extra lean and not treated with growth hormones, so it's a win-win for me. The side dishes were Caesar salad and sweet potato fries.

My wonderful momma (Happy Mother's Day Mom!) taught me to boil potatoes first so they soak up with more water than oil, so I brought a big pot to boil and got the potatoes to work. The meal was good. Overcooked the burgers a little (blasted - I hate doing that!) but they were definitely still edible. And the fries. Umm. Wow, yeah. Making those again.

So, our household is on a small, not-quite-everyday mission to reduce our waste, compost, recycle, etc. And during the clean up of yummy dinner, I wondered what I could do with a big pot of potato water, full of nutrients from the sweet potato runoff. I was convinced, and told my guests as well, that I'd heard somewhere the water is really good for plants because of the added nutrients, and your houseplants really benefit from it. Well, I love me some house plants (much to another roommate's dismay) and the few I have were in need of TLC anyway. So in goes the nutrient rich water. Ah, the plants will be so happy. And then seconds after I pour in the last drop, I remember all the salt I originally poured into water to help flavor the potatoes. Uh... pretty sure salt kills plants.

Good job to me. Bravo. Brilliant. Helloooo. Where did my brain go?



In not-so-ditzy news I had a awesome weekend. Laura and Hilary's visit was wonderful, and they toured KC like nobody's business. Friday night was spent at the Boulevard Drive In with Iron Man 2. Beautiful evening, good movie. Felt like I was back in time. Oh, and Doritos and Oreo junk food fest. Yum yum yum. Ultimate Frisbee Saturday morning (we won!), Oklahoma Joe's for lunch at the original and, just decided yesterday, my favorite BBQ in KC. As a night cap we dusted off our boots for much needed dancing at D&D to celebrate Renee's birthday.





Aaaaand, I was able to sleep in this morning. Ah. Rest. How I enjoy thee.

I'll be working on my space cadetness, and keep you posted on the life of the plants. So far they're hanging tight.

nothin' but blue skies...

Wheelie bags and three ounce containers. Flight itineraries and security checks. Belts off then belts on. Terminal to your left. Seat on your right. Window or aisle? We've reached 10,000 feet. You may now power on your electronic devices. Cell phones in airplane mode. Peanuts? Beverage? We've begun our descent. Please power off anything with an on/off switch. Welcome to (fill-in-the-blank). Thank you for flying with us. Car rentals on your right. Baggage claim to your left.

I travel a lot. Too much maybe. Often by air, almost as often by car. Airports make my head spin. The check-in process is down to a science and Southwest makes it about as easy as it can get (love them), but each flight sucks the every ounce of energy straight out of my body. Zap. Poof. Gone. Insert dark undereyes, dehydration, exhaustion.

Which is why I'm so thankful for the times I'm able to get away from it all. Escape the world of movers and shakers and instead just be. This weekend was one of those. After a late evening arrival to KC from St. Louis, I continued the trek west to Central Kansas to spend quality time with friends. It was wonderful. Their little girl is growing up so fast (holy cow she's walking!) and they've put a lot of work into their home - it's always fun to come back and see the changes. We played a lot, cooked a lot, and even took naps in the backyard (it does not get better than snoozing on a blanket in the sunshine). An evening barbecue was quite the treat - so many kids running around and babies napping and laughing and playing.



On the way home I stopped to visit Justin and Amber on the farm. They won't be there much longer (buying a house in town - yay for them!) but I just love the drive out there. Today was no exception. Perfect clouds. Perfect temperature. Sunroof down, windows down - soaking in every minute. I didn't want to leave. Tomorrow is another day on the road. Another morning beginning hours before the crack of dawn. Weekends like this one are my refuge and my happy place. I can't wait for another.