gusto...

I need almost daily reminders to put my all into each day. How easy it is to forget. How awesome it is to remember.

Tomorrow is going to be a kick bootie day. I even wrote it in my planner.

To work hard, play hard, be fully alive. I most definitely desire those things. Tomorrow. It's happening, tomorrow.

gift...

So happy our family's lives changed a year ago with this happy little arrival. Happy, happy birthday, Mason!

bees knees...

Yesterday I had a three-hour phone call with a friend. We don't typically make small talk. It's a 'how is your life, how is your heart, what has been moving you lately' kind of talk. We laugh a lot too. And challenge each other. After the call is over, I can't help feeling loved. More loved than before. I am so grateful for authentic relationships. People who care - not for the sake of knowing, but for the sake of loving. A gift for the soul.

free...

"You never go away from us, yet we have difficulty in returning to You. Come, Lord, stir us up and call us back. Kindle and seize us. Be our fire and our sweetness. Let us love. Let us run."

- St. Augustine

pants on the...

A pair of dark gray skinny cords came home with me today.

Winning.

kidney...

Today I felt like a housewife. Went to Mass, followed by grocery shopping, followed by concocting a huge batch (first of the season!) of thick, homestyle chili. And oatmeal chocolate chip cookies (partially to replace my roommates, which I ate most of, I am sure). And cleaned like a fiend. Spiders, anyone?

Enjoyed a friend's company and refreshments of the chilled belgian-wheat variety, over lunch.  Yes, I'll cheers to that.

I have no idea if this is what housewives actually do during a typical day... drink beer, listen to tunes, and tidy-up. If it is... yes, please.

stay...

It has possibly been one of those... months. Emotional (I'm sure you can tell by the recent bombardment of posts, after almost a year hiatus) and searching for understanding, connection. A desperate search of song lyrics has proved futile (go figure). But this. This I thought quite lovely.

There's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it's sent away.

Sarah Kay

before...

Typically I don't permit myself impulse buys.  I make myself answer questions first, like, do I really need (whatever that means, anyway) this? Or, have I noticed a void of this or that for some time?

I get to indulge this desire for instancy though, during blissful visits to the local library.

Last week I picked up 'The Second Child' - a collection of poems by Deborah Garrison. I have no idea why. I can't say that I really ever read poems. Not that I don't enjoy them. I just never... think of it.  So what a delight to curl up and peruse this little book of lovely one sunny afternoon.

I wanted to share a favorite of mine. For whatever reason... well, I think I know... it caused me to smile.

The Past is Still There

I've forgotten so much.
What it felt like back then,
what we said to each other.

But sometimes when I'm standing
at the kitchen counter after dinner
and I look out the window at the dark

thinking of nothing,
something swims up.
Tonight this:

your laughing into my mouth
as you were trying
to kiss me.

duck, duck, goose...

The amount of f-bombs that have been flying through my brain the past few days, week maybe, has been utterly absurd, borderline appalling and so absolutely out of character it's often times comical. Which, I suppose, is why I feel compelled to write about it, knowing some might think I'm off my rocker. Or really angry. Or just weird. Hmmm... yes. All three, please. I share anyway.

I've noticed no one is immune to this critical, internal barrage. Well... maybe my mother. A strange look in my direction, "what the f---?" I yell at them, to myself, while smiling and nodding hello. A lovey-dovey couple holding hands in the grocery store, "f--- you". Cut off in traffic, "are you f------ kidding me?" Seriously, "what the f---?"

And tonight, while I'm prepping this post I hear a light drop on the seat behind me - what the... then, "F---!" (hard to tell, but all caps... definitely all caps). A big f------ spider just dropped from the ceiling to my couch. And now he sees me watching him and takes off quicker than a 100m sprint Olympian in all sorts of spastic directions. I grab my patent black flats and beat the living daylights out of it, flattening it paper thin to ensure no rebirths. Spiders do that you know - dead one minute, crawling, seemingly unscathed, the next.

And, while I continue typing this obnoxious, asinine post, a small movement to the right catches my eye, "you have got to be f------ kidding me." Another one. "It is f------ on." The other ballet flat is retrieved and utilized. This spider is faster and more nimble, but cannot escape my wrath. "F--- you, f------ spider." Smithereens is all that's left of it as well.

I urgently search  Google images, quite certain both were brown recluse spiders. Too bad I smashed them so confidently and ferociously their identifying marks are no longer such.

F--- you, spider.

F---. You.

I need therapy.

tenterhooked...

I am the sea on a moonless night,
Calling, falling, slipping tides
I am the leaky, dripping pipes
The endless aching drops of light
I am the raindrop falling down,
Always longing for the deeper ground
I am the broken, breaking seas
Even my blood finds ways to bleed

Even the rivers ways to run
Even the rain to reach the sun
Even my thirsty streams,
Even in my dreams

I am restless, I am restless

I am restless, looking for you

I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore

I'm looking for you

- Switchfoot

gifted...

A couple of weeks ago I sprained my ankle while bouldering.  It was totally dumb, my fault, and a silly way to suffer injury. I was going for a reach, I wasn't balanced, and I was prideful.  I'd done the route before. People were watching. Of course I could do it again.

Yep. Let me tell you how that way of thinking worked out. Pain and limping for the past two weeks (and it's not done yet, folks). Missing climbing nights and Ultimate league. Missing afternoon runs. Missing a simple walk around the block. And perfecting an entertaining method of going down steps.

There are, easily, many things that could have been worse. I could have had a wedding to shoot that weekend. I could have broken something. It could have been my knee twisted to oblivion. I know this. I still like to feel sorry for myself. I'm not used to being physically limited.

It's the typical case of taking things for granted. Not realizing how good something is, until it's no longer yours. Reading too much into a twisted joint?  Maybe.

But it was a point of reflection. I consider myself a grateful person... with a lot of room for improvement (so said little ankle).

Oh, how we can take things for granted. Our bodies. Our minds. Senses. People. Strangers. Shelter. Work. Love. Kindness.

Whatever the case, the injury provided extra time with friends, rest for my weary bones, and a renewed appreciation for health.

I'm not taking that for granted.

brights...

I went to an auto shop today to pick up a headlight.  My passenger low beam has been out since... two weeks ago. And technically I've been out of town a lot of that time, and not exactly driving at night like a luny in the dark.

Well, I'm a little luny. But that's not news to anyone.

So I took my part back to the garage, got out the tools, and went to town. I wanted to do it myself.  I needed to do it myself. As my hands turned black with dirt and grime, and small pricks of sweat appeared, combatting the heat of the recently running engine, I felt good. Strong. There is something about doing things on your own. Not always asking for help. Trying something new. Even if it's scary. Or you're not quite sure what you're doing. It's empowering. And to be honest, I felt like a bad ass. Yep. I did.

Then I realized I had the wrong headlight. It didn't fit in the socket. Back to the store. New headlight. Replaced it. Still nothing. No light. Back inside the store.

Turns out I was replacing the high beam. Seriously? Re-bought the low-beam the guy correctly gave me in the first place. Tried multiple times, unsuccessfully, to reach the incredibly awkward placement of the low-beam. Contorted my hand and screwdriver while being sure not to touch the bulb. Cursed on my insides. Scraped my arm. Started nervously sweating, again. But I had to get it. I had to do it myself.

I needed something I could be in control of. Something I could fix. Something that would let me know I am okay. I would be okay. I could do this.

Whew. That's a lot of pressure on one tiny, $11.47, lightbulb. Poor thing.

Then I called my dad. He reminded me I would be seeing my brother in a day.

I slammed the hood and started the car. My screwdriver stared dejectedly at me from the passenger seat.  I dialed my brother. Of course he could replace the bulb. He would be happy to.

And then I laughed. Wow. I was so caught up in wanting to prove myself. To be independent and confident instead of girly and weak (as if those are even legitimate opposites). It was a humbling moment. An enlightening moment. A frequently needed reminder - I'm really not the one in control And it's okay to ask for help.

No really, it's okay.

The beauty of what God can do with a simple lightbulb, after all...

beg your pardon...

Some days you just feel absolutely, stupidly, ridiculously happy. Maybe it was the coffee + new bean grinder combo or the Blind Pilot Pandora station recently discovered and playing non-stop. Either way, I'm sitting at this computer, smiling like a goon. And it is awesome.

scoober...

Spring League started tonight!  And... our team is so much fun.  And... Nate and I (my frisbee buddy) got the first beers of the night.  And... that means we had sweet moves.  And... I'm totally pridefully, outright bragging.  Rude.  I am just so excited.

It feels crazy good to be running free through the grass and the breeze again.

Aaaaaaaaaaah spring.

yellow fever...

I like ultimate frisbee so much I signed up for an indoor league this winter.  That equals year-round frisbee for me.  Can you believe that?  Who is this girl?  Games range from 8:30 to 10:30, and it's about a 4-hour commitment every Friday night... including carpooling, playing, and watching other friends' games.  Then I get home and have so much energy I don't know what to do with myself for the next three hours.

It's ridiculous.  I'm addicted.  Even though I have so much to improve, even though I'm not the strongest player out there, and even though after the first two points my lungs are screaming at capacity - the sport is just... so wonderfully simple, and fast-paced, and awesome.  I can't handle it.  Can't get enough.  Hope I can play until I'm 60.

Last fall, our team got the overall tournament W.  My first frisbee championship.  Before, no matter whose team I was on, we always ended up second.  On tournament day, the girls on our fall team were all gone for one reason or another. I played savage most of the day.  Umm... that was crazy.  No breaks, no rest, and definitely not enough water.  Halfway through the second game, my calves cramped.  I fell on the ground, unable to stand.  I felt completely obnoxious. And so helpless. My coach had to stretch me out on the field while I cursed myself for not shaving my legs.  Ooooh, please don't touch my legs, don't touch my legs! Seriously?  He touched my legs.  Well, my foot connected to my hairy leg.  I wanted to die. Okay,  I already wanted to die because my calves hurt so bad.  I then just wanted to die more.

In the end, our team kicked booty.  We weren't expected to win, or even come in second.  In fact, we were seeded last in the bracket.  Yes, that made victory even sweeter.

In summary, I like ultimate frisbee.  A lotta.

ramblin' man...

To say postings as of late have been sparse, is well... the truth.  I keep thinking about the little blog.  About everything it's missing.  How lonely it's been all summer.  And although I wish it were chalk-full of happenings from the past few months (so I can remember when I'm ninety what I did when I was twenty-seven) for once I'm okay with the lack of posts.  All it means is this summer has been full.  And truly spendid.

Summertime makes me feel alive and happy. A few highlights, so I really do remember something when I'm ninety...

Dodgeball celebration t-shirt party.  Six months after winning the championship.  Ziggy's wedding.  My car pool ride to Wichita.  Me in charge of navigation and forgetting multiple addresses and the map.  Marc not knowing White Stripes Seven Nation Army lyrics actually saying I'm goin' to Wichita.  Me playing Angry Birds on Marc's iPhone instead watching the GPS.  Us going 30 minutes the wrong direction instead.  Moving across the street with the best moving party a girl could ask for.  Me driving a U-Haul and almost clipping a median sign.  My brother, Amber, and Mom saving my life and getting the house in order before a suffered a panic attack.  Mom painting a brand new office space for SugarSnaps Photography.  Having a real deal office!  Joining a new frisbee league.  Being challenged.  Sprinting and cutting in 99 degree heat and humidity.  Not puking.  Seriously, not puking.  Accomplishment. Schechtman visiting from Denver.  Hosting a bbq so she can meet my friends right after the move... without a grill, stove, or oven.  Schechtman having to run to the grocery store because I had no salt for the Tres de Julio party.  Mexican food needs salt!  Royals game with the Brown's.  Me choosing the wrong way home through miles and miles of road construction.  Piper pulling the covers under her chin once she got to my place and making her dad sleep on the air mattress.  Jana's wedding.  We goin' to Wichita again.  Finding a boat driver.  Taking wedding photos of so many happy brides and handsome grooms.  Partied with the wedding parties.  Had a complete blast.  Thank God for his blessings.  And for balance.  And joy in one's work.

July lake trip.  Sleeping eleven people in a two-bedroom cabin.  Playing on the water all day.  Life jacket diapers, Kenny Chesney, and Miller Lite.  The bench.  Skiing the next morning too.  Blind date gone wrong.  A chicken sandwich never tasted so dry.  Trips to the farmer's market.  Fresh peaches. The Brown's visiting again.  Extra lucky me!  Pigging out at Village Inn the morning after.  70's just like Mom & Dad used to do.  Annie moving in. Another red-headed roommate. Always a good sign.  Happy hour celebrating one-year at the dental office.  Giggling like teenage girls.  Drinking our dessert.  Good JuJu.  The drive-in.  Cowboys & Aliens.  Jen and Renee rescuing me from photography wardrobe malfunction. Tequila. Eating a PB&J on the way to D&D.  Then dancing out socks off.  Schlitterbahn.  Lazy river wave pool.  Screaming like a pansy on the coaster drop.  Frisbee tournament.  Playing non-stop for 5.5 hours.  Losing big-time each game until the second half of the second half.  Winning first and second rounds by one point.  Making it to finals.  Behind very badly in finals.  6-11, going to 15.  So hot.  So tired.  So can't breathe.  Teammates cramping mid-field.  I'm cramping.  Players falling over on grass.  So nasty hot. Somehow tying it up at 14-14.  Losing off the pull.  An elusive frisbee championship, yet again.  Suffer affects of heat exhaustion for three days.  Arrive at Milford just before dark.  No boats on the water.  Skiing across the middle of the lake.  Smooth as glass.  Right into the sunset.  Most incredible feeling.  Perhaps an itty-bitty taste of heaven.  Sans the algae outbreak.  Seriously incredible.  Little baby's Baby Shower.  Because I'm going to be an aunt soon!  Which is just out of this world.  Absolutely a miracle to witness this process little momma is going through.  Garage sales.  And painting everything.  Making a home feel like home.  Friends visiting.  Meals shared.  Margaritas and W^5.  Belly laughs.

There is still wonderfulness yet to come.  A couple more mini-trips, Lake of the Ozarks, Colorado, and a camping weekend...

God is so good.  I feel incredibly blessed.  And I'm not ready to say so long sweet summer.  Not quite yet...

on the range...

We finished Day 2 in Tulsa at my cousin's house.  They had recently moved from Omaha and their home and neighborhood was really pretty.  It was nice being on a quiet street.  We could walk in the middle of the road and not worry about cars and traffic.  Plus, their kids are so darn cute.  It was definitely nice catching up!

Midway through Day 3 we stopped by another cousin's house, possibly in Broken Arrow.  I could have stayed there all week.  A lake, paddleboat, screened in porch, huge patio, and an open arm welcome.  I told them I'm coming back after the pool is built.  And staying for a week.

are far behind me...

Day 2 vaca recap and I already almost forgot.  So it will be brief.  Soon after we visited small-town Kansas, we headed south to Tulsa.  As I recall, the drive was uneventful... except when my brother faked losing his wallet 30mins back where we filled with gas and I (along with his pregnant wife) were quite hungry.

Oh how he still enjoys teasing me...

Some crazy clouds rolled through the Tulsa skies the second day of our visit.  These were extra poofy.

amarillo by morning...

Last night marked the end of a ten-day road trip with the fam.  There are stories and photos to share.  We covered some ground and were able to spend a lot of time with family and friends.  A different twist on our usual, and I'm thankful for it.  My (lofty) intention is to post a photo a day from the trip...

Day One: Met with friends in KC.  Carpooled to Wichita (thank goodness they gave me a lift).  Laughed a lot.  Met up with bro & sis-in-law. Rode to Dexter, KS.  Visited small candy factory, supposedly home of the first Baby Ruth bar.  Parents joined us.  All met up with cousins for a tour of their town.  From their front yard they could see Mr. Cow, pictured below.  Looks like a good life to me.

The town was small, but the community very much alive and active.  My second cousin was growing fruit from a pot on the window sill.  So stinking cute.

one for the money...

Four-ish reasons my week is off to a good start:

1) my inbox is down to three emails (3!)
2) was pulled over yesterday and given a warning (thank you!)
3) made an album for a senior for his graduation - it was a labor of love, and I was crazy nervous about the final product... because I get crazy nervous about these things.  Thankfully it's beautiful... the printing company is incredible... now I want to make more
4) this weather makes me sing for joy, frolic on the sidewalks, and smile permanently - this would be my everyday kind of weather paradise
5) although not this week, the beautiful chaos pictured below was happening on our driveway not long ago; all the different activities taking place on the street cracks me up - Happy Birthday (month) Renee!