on the outside just lookin'...

I made the big journey to my hometown the other day. Big deal you say?...well it actually kind of is because I haven't been there for more than two days straight for, oh, as long as I can remember. I've gotten to sleep till noon. It's great. However, very shortlived. But I have accomplished most of my "to do" list - I've visited friends and people I used to work for; I've been shown all the changes that have taken place during my time away. And in that time I was slightly amazed, because I have lived in this wonderful little town since I was two, and it holds most of my memories, most of my friendships, basically all of who I am (up until college of course). Most of me was shaped in some form through this town. But it no longer fits. At all. It feels like an awkwardly shaped glove or pair of pantyhose that you just can't wait to wriggle out of. Kind of like a pair of shoes that never quite got broken in right and always wear a painful blister on your little toe just to remind you how much they don't fit. On the outside most everything appears normal, just as I left it, but below the surface a whole lot has changed. Or then again, maybe it really hasn't.

Everywhere I go people look at me as if I don't belong. As if I should go back to where I came from. Adults who used to wave and smile and say hello give me a blank stare, a half-hearted smile, and keep walking. Take last night for example. I have never felt so out of place somewhere in my life. My friend Mike picked me up and we headed to "The Bar" (real name) because there is nowhere else for college kids to go, as we can no longer have parties at our parent's homes when they leave town like the good ol' days. I walk in and everyone's eyes flick to the door. I felt like a deer caught in headlights, honestly; everyone stared as if I had a huge piece of broccoli hanging from my teeth, or perhaps a big sticker that said "glare at me" stuck on the middle of my forehead. Because that's all anyone did. The old people, the grungy people, the twenty-something's that never moved from home; they all glared. I smiled. What else can you do in that situation? "You don't belong here, who do you think you are?" their stares seemed to scream. Yikes! Yes perhaps I was overdressed, that's just how things are now though. I go out, I dress up. It's part of the fun we girls have I suppose. I have no idea why they felt the need to intimidate a poor girl who just came in to socialize and have a beer. Maybe that just sums up "small town America." I did end up having a good time as more friends showed up, and I tried to ignore the fact that a few of us stuck out like throbbing sore thumbs.

Some would probably say I'm too sensitive, and they didn't mean anything by their stares. And maybe they're right. Maybe I over-analyze... hmmm... NAH. Nevertheless, it kind of feels like a punch in the stomach to no longer have a place here. I contributed to society, I was on every blasted club you could name, I raised more than my fair share of donations for this or that, I earned good grades... why do I get the boot? Why am I the misfit? I can't even go into the pharmacy without feeling like a complete stranger to the community -it's one of the oddest feelings. Just another thing you have to get used to as time keeps changing things. Bah. Humbug.

au revoir...

It was Liz's last big night out before she headed to study abroad, so of course a roommate bonding mini-pubcrawl was in order. It was a Monday evening. Most of the bars were empty. But we had fun. We MC girls always have fun. Here's a quick look at the progression of the evening. Anna's mom gets a shout for the pom-pom stocking hats she gave us for Christmas. She inspired the event. We are forever grateful.

just scribbles...

Okay so we all know the semester is almost over. Hallelujah. I am attempting to cram tonite for an exam I thought was later on tomorrow. As it is probably obvious in the way I shape my thoughts, my class notes are incredibly scattered. They are technically organized, but the margins are full of doodles and thoughts and songs that were stuck in my head, and in an effort to stay awake I express myself rather than pay attention to the professor. It's actually easy to follow this whole year simply based on what is written in my 5-subject spiral. So I thought I'd share a few of my doodles (it's too bad you can't see my artwork), not only for entertainment, but also as a slight documentary to this semester. It's been a ride.

- "so long sweet summer. i stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays."
- so tired!
- dumb warcraft... ryan's fault i had a dream about bears.
- "stay or leave i want you not to go but you should. it was good as good goes."
- well hello. funny meeting you here.
- day-o, DaaAAAAaaaa-O, Daylight come and you wanna go home.
- Here I am... Rock you like a hurricane.
- "cuz i'm leaving on a jet plane. don't know when i'll be back again. oh babe i hate to go."
- chAnGE*
- I have to pee please.
- rainy day. t.v. couch. me & you.
- your words hurt. a lot.
- f-ing jerk.
- i want a job.
- miss you.
- lip service
- disconnected
- "oh i wish that i knew what i know now, when i was younger..."
- white males = good ol' boys
- beauty
- so many questions
- just say no to synergy
- are you just being selfish? don't be selfish. it hurts too bad. uses my time. steals my energy. don't be selfish.
- "wake me up when September ends."
- what is security? is there such thing?
- "when the rain comes I will hold you."
- i skipped class. thank goodness.
- holy cow
- freaking tired
- 1+1=...3? I hate synergy.

tie-dyed...

You know when you were little and your parents finally let you have a soda when you went out for lunch... and the really cool thing to do was to mix all the flavors together with just the right amounts, and then call it a "suicide," as if it were a really crazy thing to do...? Every time I walk by a soda station I wonder about that. Do kids still make those? Is it still a popular phase they go through, or did it lose its glitter just like my banana clips and baggy t-shirts?

above all else...

It's amazing the things you realize over a Frosty and frenchfries. And maybe what I have learned isn't actually anything new. Sometimes it just takes a dose of reality to remind you of what you've always known (as well as a great roommate). My findings are quite uncomplicated really, and I don't know what took me so long to stumble upon them. Either way, it was not until tonight that I realized how easy it is to convince yourself of something or someone when you wish it were the truth. You see, I believe fully in the ability of a woman's intuition. Often times I just choose to blantantly ignore it and hope it goes away, or stuff it down further inside thinking the constant tug will fade. And then eventually the fallacy you are living does not seem so unrealistic afterall, and you convince yourself that what is happening is the right thing, and that you really are happy. You just go on living this way, ignoring how you really feel because it's convenient at the time. Perhaps it is a safe place to hide, protected for a while longer and then a while longer from life's harshness and realities.

But the truth always catches up to you. Real life eventually finds a way to show itself - when everything finally makes sense and all the loose ends come full circle. It is a lot of information to handle. First it made me angry, really really angry. And after that rush of emotion passed, I felt hurt and used, foolish and disappointed and frustrated and annoyed, and well, still angry. So I looked for answers and searched for the truth, and pointed my finger at the person who hurt me. But in the end I am left to face the blatant, obvious truth. When all is said and done, I have no one to blame but myself, because deep down, way deep in the bottom of my stomach, I knew it all along. I always, always knew.

Listen to yourself, chances are you already know the answer.

graduation...

WOW, I am hung over today.

let it snow...

So here I sit, my hair wrapped up in a messy towel knot, trying to mop up all the water I spilled on my desk. This wouldn't be such a problem, of course, if I had a clean desk. But there is stuff scattered everywhere - homework, random notes, numerous lists, gloves, cards, pictures, yogurt, books, a camera, and earrings - you know, the usual. So most of the stuff is soaked, I suppose my clumsiness deserved it.

Everyone is bustling around the house tonight with projects and school work and presentations. Megan is playing her Christmas music (primarily N'Sync Christmas - which Bridge, Megs, and I all secretly like). I was trying to guess the tunes from the shower wall, with some success. Her playlists are the best; actually, when you can hear her singing through the bedroom door is even better, when you can tell she's really happy. Anna is downstairs helping a friend with a powerpoint, or maybe distracting him from getting it done. We made him watch a girly movie tonight. He put up a fight, but I'm pretty sure he liked it. I think Bridge passed out upstairs with her T.V. on because I haven't seen her for the last seven hours. And Liz is putting together her last interior design project - hopefully the girls will get a few hours of sleep tonight. The house is filled with Christmas trees, greenery, and lights (thanks Bridge); a reminder of what is soon to come, as well as what will be over even sooner - I'm sure the entire campus is hoping and praying that dreaded finals week will be over swiftly and painlessly. Bring on the presents and carols and cousins!