on the outside just lookin'...

I made the big journey to my hometown the other day. Big deal you say?...well it actually kind of is because I haven't been there for more than two days straight for, oh, as long as I can remember. I've gotten to sleep till noon. It's great. However, very shortlived. But I have accomplished most of my "to do" list - I've visited friends and people I used to work for; I've been shown all the changes that have taken place during my time away. And in that time I was slightly amazed, because I have lived in this wonderful little town since I was two, and it holds most of my memories, most of my friendships, basically all of who I am (up until college of course). Most of me was shaped in some form through this town. But it no longer fits. At all. It feels like an awkwardly shaped glove or pair of pantyhose that you just can't wait to wriggle out of. Kind of like a pair of shoes that never quite got broken in right and always wear a painful blister on your little toe just to remind you how much they don't fit. On the outside most everything appears normal, just as I left it, but below the surface a whole lot has changed. Or then again, maybe it really hasn't.

Everywhere I go people look at me as if I don't belong. As if I should go back to where I came from. Adults who used to wave and smile and say hello give me a blank stare, a half-hearted smile, and keep walking. Take last night for example. I have never felt so out of place somewhere in my life. My friend Mike picked me up and we headed to "The Bar" (real name) because there is nowhere else for college kids to go, as we can no longer have parties at our parent's homes when they leave town like the good ol' days. I walk in and everyone's eyes flick to the door. I felt like a deer caught in headlights, honestly; everyone stared as if I had a huge piece of broccoli hanging from my teeth, or perhaps a big sticker that said "glare at me" stuck on the middle of my forehead. Because that's all anyone did. The old people, the grungy people, the twenty-something's that never moved from home; they all glared. I smiled. What else can you do in that situation? "You don't belong here, who do you think you are?" their stares seemed to scream. Yikes! Yes perhaps I was overdressed, that's just how things are now though. I go out, I dress up. It's part of the fun we girls have I suppose. I have no idea why they felt the need to intimidate a poor girl who just came in to socialize and have a beer. Maybe that just sums up "small town America." I did end up having a good time as more friends showed up, and I tried to ignore the fact that a few of us stuck out like throbbing sore thumbs.

Some would probably say I'm too sensitive, and they didn't mean anything by their stares. And maybe they're right. Maybe I over-analyze... hmmm... NAH. Nevertheless, it kind of feels like a punch in the stomach to no longer have a place here. I contributed to society, I was on every blasted club you could name, I raised more than my fair share of donations for this or that, I earned good grades... why do I get the boot? Why am I the misfit? I can't even go into the pharmacy without feeling like a complete stranger to the community -it's one of the oddest feelings. Just another thing you have to get used to as time keeps changing things. Bah. Humbug.