imma be, imma be, imma imma imma be... a photographer...?

Today was the KC Wedding Extravaganza extrodinaire-thingie-boppie-dealio at the Overland Park Convention Center. It was fun - lots of excited brides (and not quite as excited but tolerating grooms-to-be), well-designed booths, beautiful gowns and flowers and photographs. I was helping out at Erica's booth for The Flower Girl promotion. Our booth smelled the best, hands down (because Erica is amazing... she is, and I know I'm biased, but she still is. She's talented, folks, and she's going places. I know it). And just when I thought I really didn't care for roses... I get introduced to the Garden Rose variety. Aahhh. So yummy.

During the expo I ran into an acquaintance friend of mine and she asked if I was with a photography company, or just shooting on my own. And after telling her what I told her, I just wanted to kick myself. Right in the shin. That's sort of difficult to do, but if I say something like it again, I'm going to try. Or maybe have someone else kick me instead. Bah!

I've noticed each time someone asks about me pursuing photography as a career, I totally downplay it. "Oh, you know, I'm just doing it on the side for now. Nothing too crazy. We'll see what happens. Maybe eventually it will take off but I'm just seeing where it goes."

That's such bologna bull-hockey. Such a cop out. It's me totally not expressing what I truly want and how I really feel because I'm afraid someone will doubt me. Or judge me and my dreams. And I'm scared to death I'll see the thought, "yeah, you and hundreds of others I know trying to turn a hobby into a paycheck... gooood luck with that one," flash across their face. I don't have the guts to say yes - I know that sounds crazy, but that's okay. Because I am determined. I'm doing things differently. I'm approaching it slowly and confidently, and I'm going to do it better. I'm not going to get stuck in mediocrity, and I'm going to keep pushing myself... way beyond my comfort zone, beyond the naysayers, beyond the expectations. Yes, I really want to say all that. Or at least convey that confidence (no one really wants to hear all that chatter, I know). But I'm a big stinkin' chicken. And dilly-dally around my words and fret and wring my hands instead.

I believe God gives each of us talents, strengths, and gifts in some crazy combination that no one else has. I want to use what I've been given to the very best of my ability. And even though I'm not sure what all that will involve that's my true desire, and I know it's going to be quite a ride. So when I say I'm sorta-kinda working on this photography thing and hoping it will maybe, eventually, someday work out, what I really mean is - I am more than thrilled at the opportunity to pursue this dream - I'm incredibly grateful for this point in my life, and I can't wait to discover God's plan for my journey. Not in a kinda-sorta way, but all the way. And if photography doesn't end up being part of the plan - I'll know, because I'll have given it my best shot and have nothing left to give. And if that's the case, it will just fine with me.

Whatever it is I'll do it with white teeth - because working at a dental office while I'm kinda, sorta, doing this photography thing on the side sure has its perks.